Dear Francisco & Ricky,
I've always been unsure of what to say to the either of you if I ever reconnected with you both again; searate or together. I am writing a joint open letter because it's obvious you are both in each other's lives so hey maybe you can read this together.
Yes. I did see your mother's obituary Ricky. In my heart or hearts I want to say "I'm sorry for your loss" but those words seem to elude me. I am more sorry for my loss. The loss of my innocence and the loss of the only family I've ever had. If I knew then what I know now I would have tried harder to escape from the grip of the three of you. Being a whistle blower had some extreme consequences even if you are a child and a victim of abuse.
For the longest time I genuinely thought I deserved to be treated so badly by your mother Ricky. I believed somehow in some way shape or form there was something I did or didn't do for her to abuse me as much as she did. As an adult I now realize there is absolutely nothing I could have ever done for her to abuse me as much as she did. I understand she was not happy in her life especially when your father drifted and left her. As a child I should have never been her punching bag. She became a foster parent to give other children a better life not to torture them. She wanted to full fill her dream of having more children since she was only ever able to have you. Her one and only biological child. That is why I came to live with you guy. When I first met you,her and your dad I thought I had genuinely hit the jack pot. When she decided to track down my siblings to come live with us I felt even more grateful. Unfortunately that feeling didn't last long. IIt' never been explained to me why your mother was as abusive as she was. I honestly don't know or care to be honest. All I know is for years she physically, mentally and emotionally abused while I was in her care as her foster child. I do remember you, Francisco and my other brothers never being on the end of any of the abuse I did. How lucky for all of you. You and I are not blood related so I could understand why you would never openly say anything to get your own mother in any trouble for all the abuse she was putting me through. I realized that then and now. Unfortunately for me I was young, very young. I was still a child uncertain of her footing in life and still trying to be as normal and well adjusted as possible after losing my mother. I was taught the difficult lesson that telling on anyone for abusing me would result in more abuse. So I swallowed the tears and tried my best to stick it out. I had been dealt a difficult hand at life and I was doing all I could to play that hand without folding. No matter what your mom did to me I always bounced back and told myself it was the last time she would abuse me. I was wrong. Always wrong. I imagined telling someone at school. Then I realized who would believe me? Your mother was extremely manipulative and always had an answer for everything. Anytime I had a black eye, broken nose or visible welts from her beating me she knew exactly what to say so no one could question her. The day she busted ipen my cheek while beating me with my own brothers belt she knew she took it too far. Unfortunately her feeling sorry what she did only last a week and she was back at her regular routine. As the abused continued and escalated
I finally admitted my defeat and realized I was never going to get out of this situation so I tried to make the best of it. At least I had my brothers my only family to be there with me. I was naive and really did believe they loved me and if anything really bad happened they would protect me. Wrong.
Apple does not fall from the tree. You had seen your mom abuse me and get away with it so I suppose that's why you felt it was okay to do the same.
Yes. I remember. Very clearly. Every single time you sexually assaulted me. You knew no one would believe me and you had your mother's blessing to treat me like garbage so you did.
I made excuses for you at the tender age of 10 as to why you started doing this to me. We had lived as siblings, I even called your mother "Mom" something I didn't even call my own biological mother. The torment, anguish and guilt I felt every single damn time you would follow me and pin me down still haunts me to this day. You touched me without my permission in such terrible ways that I still have a hard to coping with those memories. You did this for so long I actually began to believe this is it. This is what my life will be like from now on. My foster mother beating me constantly, forcing cruel punishments on me and her son sexually abusing me. I never saw a way out. Never had the courage to speak up, to ring the alarm. Never. I lived in constant fear of what would be waiting for me everyday I came home from school.
As time went on something clicked in my head. This isn't right. I'm not supposed to be treated this way by anyone. I was never a perfect child but I knew I didn't deserve to be beaten and molested.
So one day I finally gathered strength to leave. To runaway in hopes of getting away from the both of you and being able to have my own family with my siblings. I was very wrong. First by thinking I could run away. You all saw through me that day and I was forced back to room. Your mom dragged me up a flight of stairs choking me with my own shirt. After she punched me in the face she threw me in my bedroom and told me I would be sorry for trying to leave. So I did the best thing I could think of. I opened the window of our two story house and I jumped. Then I ran for my life. I ran and ran and ran thinking I could outrun you all and began yelling and screaming for help. For the first time in my life I was begging for help. What happens? There you all are pulling up in her car dragging me on the street and taking me back to my jail cell. I don't know why or how but I finally did it! I told the truth! You were sexually abusing me and I was sick of it. Child protective services finally became involved and I was removed from the home.
The cost of exposing you took everything away from me. My entire life turned upside down after that. I was the one labeled a liar by my own siblings. Sides were taken. Everyone stood by you, no one ever questioned you. I had to prove what you did to me. I was 11 by then and I was scared. Scared of not being believed and scared of my brothers turning their backs on me all together and scared of living in this world alone. Turns out all my fears were valid. I could never bring myself to fully explain exactly what you were doing to me. So case dismissed. Literally in court the case was dismissed. And then there I was alone. Banished. In my heart I felt I still had my biological siblings of course they would believe me and champion around their baby sister. Wrong again.
I was sent away and never heard from my brothers again. Exposing you cost me my family and for years I lived in such deep guilt and pain. I had been abandoned by everyone and had to face this life alone. Why? Because I didn't like the way I was being abused and couldn't handle it anymore. You and your mother both went to great lengths to kill my self esteem,any self worth I had and to always live in fear of who I could trust and love. I still have nightmares I am some how living you all of you again. Almost two decades later and I am still broken by you and your mother absuing me.
Now on to you Francisco, my actual blood biological eldest brother. I never thought the world of you but I always felt you would protect any of your siblings if they were being harmed. Wrong. You actually encouraged my main abuser and helped her abusing me. Never in my life would I have dreamt that if this woman told you to slap me in the face you would. Well I was wrong because you did. As the eldest I always really believed in you believed that you did love me and did care. You did but not about me. You loved and cared for the people who abused me. You loved and cared so much for the woman who hurt me on a daily basis that you were included in her obituary as her son. Nice slap in the face to me and to your REAL biological mother. You choose to stick with people you watched abuse me. Why? I will never know maybe that was the easy way out. For years I wondered and waited in foster care for you to call me, visit or even attempt to apologize and just be my brother. I genuinely thought you would miss me and had wondered what had happened to your baby sister. Wrong again. Last year when I finally tracked you down after almost two decades you shut me down. After all that had happened I was still willing to forgive you for never getting help, for sticking by my abusers and for abandoning me. I didn't reach out to you for a tearful reunion I reached out to get information any information you would have on my (our) mother. Nope you weren't having it. The blow from that hit me hard. I fell into a deep depression and all the memories of my life in hell came back. I was so wounded by your actions and by the fact that you really never gave a single damn about your own flesh and blood. It was hard but I worked through it.
One year later almost to the day of your rejection. I find out you are openly calling and treating my abuser as your flesh and blood brother. There you are at his wedding, cheering him on. There you are living a life and putting so much effort into a person that sexually abused me. To add insult to injury to my shock what do I see? Your amazing "brother Ricky" marrying a woman the same first name as me!!
How anyone of you can live with yourselves is beyond me. How you can turn your back on me only to join forces with my abusers is also beyond me. After all I went through there you are still tormenting me and making it known you do not value me or my existence in anyway. That you would rather pretend people that abused your own flesh and blood is your family. I guess you wanted an easy life and well you got it.
Good for you and for Ricky. Neither of you had to ever go through any of the abuse your "Mother" put me through.
While I lived in hell you all stood over me and watched. Every time I tried to pick myself up you were there to kick me back down. I use to think I needed you in someway now I realize I never did and never will. As I continue process my grief and work through my pain I am becoming better and stronger. I don't care how often you go to church and how many souls you think you are saving. Nothing can erase the harm you caused me. Nothing will. I am still here. Every time either of you say Ricky's wife's name just remember you are saying my name too.
There is no need for me to work on forgiving either of you. What I am doing is forgiving myself for thinking I somehow deserved the abuse I was put through. I am learning to forgive myself for carrying this guilt that I never told anyone sooner so the abuse could stop. I am learning to help others and be the best person I can be despite my terrible childhood and most of all I am enjoying my life & the people that love, protect and defend me. People who would never ever let me down.
So cheers to the both of you. You deserve each other and I can see why you claim you are brothers because you are exactly the same.
Keep saying my name. I am not dead and I will never ever give up. You did not break me.
Friday, March 16, 2018
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
Letter #2
This one is for you. You may not know who I am but I am just one person who is part of a small tribe of people that have supported and loved the mother of your child. We are the ones who have tried to help her keep herself together while you bailed on her. Introducing who I am is not necessary. I am besides the point. The real point here is you are a user, abuser and a trash human being.
Let me get straight to the point(s)
1. You are not the victim-please stop trying to play the victim. You are the abuser.
2. You flat out told the mother of your child that you did not want your own daughter to have your last name.
3. You did not want to be listed as her father on the birth certificate. Damn well knowing that was your daughter.
3. You did not want her to hold your last name or sign the birth certificate because you did not want to pay any child support. According to you, in your own words you were "too poor".
4. You were not there for the birth of your daughter.
5. At 26 and a half weeks the mother of your child was induced to give labor. You have admitted that you ignored all calls/texts regarding the birth of your daughter.
6. You never met your daughter, made zero attempts to do so. Never showed up to the hospital! You did call the mother of your child the next day (after your daughter had already passed away!)
7. You did not plan or try to plan your own daughter's funeral. You left that difficult and daunting task to be completed by her mother.
8. Your daughter was cremated without your presence. You choose to not be there for her funeral or to assist in her cremation in anyway, shape or form.
9. AFTER the cremation had occurred and time had passed you decided to show up in the picture and manipulate the mother of your child with all your "regrets" and proclaiming how much you loved your daughter and that you wanted to be apart of her life. You said this AFTER she was born, passed away and cremated. Just to try to keep a foot in door for your personal gain.
10. You never offered or tried to help the mother of your child while she was grieving and falling apart. You constantly came in and out of her life as you pleased at your leisure.
11. She was not allowed to grieve or be sad. Everything had to be about you and your persona you like to maintain to the public. That was all that REALLY mattered/matters to you.
12. You have ignored/pretended neither of these people exist to this day.
13. You have manipulated, gaslighted and put down the mother of your child for financial gain. You had no problem picking up the phone letting her know you were "starving" and "so poor". She was still grieving and trying everything possible to keep it together. You took advantage of her vunerability
and generous nature.
14. Once you had a full belly you'd accuse the mother of your child of trying to buy your love. When in reality you were using her grief against her to your full advantage.
15. Hot and cold. You then took your manipulation up a notch and began to act like you legitimately cared/loved the mother of your child. Only to berate her if she tried to get close to you by something as simple as holding hands. No you wanted to only to have someone to use for money, sex and feed your ego.
17. You made sure to gaslight her by telling her that she was bad for your mental health! That you couldn't have her in your life because she was problematic but never could actually say how or in what way. I guess her giving birth to your child, asking you to be there for her birth, death and cremation is considered "problematic" for you.
18. Very recently you made sure she knew you could not pay the rent on your studio and your apartment. That you were having lots of money troubles. Again with the "Woe is me" campaign.
19. When asked if she could help in anyway (that is her nature and you know this very well) you made sure to shut her down by shifting the conversation to your new girlfriend. So you only contacted her to have her feel sorry for you but then explained how now you just couldn't be in touch because of your new relationship. Playing mind games to the fullest.
20. Constantly flashing your "Barrio Dandy" lifestyle online without a care in the world. Upset anytime your daughter gets brought up to you because you have to face the reality that you not only ditched her but wanted absolutely nothing to do her in her life and or death.
This is only a SHORT list of the use, abuse,pain and suffering you have caused a woman who did nothing but love, support and carry your child. You pretend to care about fellow people of color especially women when in reality you are the biggest hypocrite ever. What you do is for you and only you. You do not care about women of color only when it benefits you in any capacity and you are getting your ego stroked.
The woman of color you destroyed has sat in the shadows alone trying her hardest to get through this grief.
You did not care for the mother of your child and you did not care for your daughter. You've done nothing but continued to act like the victim when in reality you are the abuser. You may have fooled many people but some of us know the REAL you. You can continue living your life of deceit while the person you abused is still mourning the death of her daughter and silently suffering in deep grief. Maybe one day you can and will apologize not just to her but to the daughter you never wanted. Despite all of this the mother of your child is still out in the world trying to help others and make positive changes.
She has difficulties with her day to day life but she still tries no matter how broken, used and hurt she feels. You still somehow think you've done nothing wrong because you have some sort of a following and continue to try to portrayed this picture of yourself as this nice, supportive person. You are trash and a sorry excuse for a man. Please don't ever do this to another woman again. As for the mother of your daughter she continues rise. Viva La Mujer!
Saturday, February 24, 2018
Letter #1
Dear O.P. ;
I'm sure I do not need to introduce myself as you already know who I am. This is an open letter to let you know I have never forgotten nor forgiven you for sexually assaulting me.
It was a very warm California summer afternoon, I had decided to take a nap because the heat was getting to me, I had a bad headache as the heat has always affected me in negative ways. I remember falling asleep on my right side with my head toward the foot of the bed. The room was dark and the door slightly left ajar. I still remember what I was wearing. My favorite black running shorts (you know the ones that have an elastic waist and are made from a soft nylon) a cotton t-shirt that I always used as a "house shirt" and some gray ankle socks. My hair was down because I had a bad headache and was trying my best to get rid of it. I drifted off to sleep in hopes of waking up with my headache long gone and along with the sun.
What happened next I can't and won't ever forget. I woke up in a haze of confusion. I felt like I was being shaken awake in the worse way possible. I immediately began to panic. I know this feeling...I've been here before, a long time ago when I was a little girl. "I must be dreaming" I thought "Yes this is definitely a dream. IT HAS TO BE A DREAM. I'm not in foster care anymore no one can abuse me now, I'm in my 20's that abuse is long behind me!!!!"
No. No. No. It was NOT a dream. It was you. Vile, manipulative and disgusting you with your right hand down my shorts forcing your fingers all over and inside of my vagina. As I turned to my left there you were touching & pleasing yourself as you did this to me while I slept. You did not flinch or stop once you realized I was fully awake. I froze. I didn't know what to do or say. There was nothing to say because you finished yourself off before I could say anything. You immediately rolled off of me and cleaned yourself up. You said no words to me. You went to the living room, sat on the sofa and turned the t.v. on.
I wanted to vomit, scream, and beat you to a bloody pulp. What, why, where and how did you think this was okay? I do not remember giving you an once of permission to touch me in anyway. Although we were broken up we still had to live under the same roof. There was no "hook up" agreement of any kind between us. How and why you thought this was okay blew my mind. You had zero empathy for my tears. You wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I remember asking myself "Why me?"
You of all people knew my life struggles and how traumatizing it was for me to deal with being sexually abused as a child. You took my trust in you and did the same thing.
I had no one to tell, no one to talk to and no one to comfort me and worse off no where to live. I was so angry at you for being the first person in my adult life to sexually assault me. I couldn't wrap my head around it so I made excuses for you. "It was a one time thing he won't ever do it again"
"I did break off our engagement and return the ring and hurt him so maybe this was his way of trying to get back together?" all irrational thoughts. I was in my early 20's and just trying to figure out who exactly I was. The hurt, shame, betrayal and self hatred ran deep in me but I tried to push it out of my mind. I told myself "This is an isolated incident. It won't happen again. Don't sleep on the bed again. Wear tight fighting jeans from now on. Don't do anything to bring any attention to this and it will go away".
Oh but it didn't, throughout the summer you continued to sexually assault in different ways whenever you pleased. One day I had enough I was finally able to gather the strength to push you off of me and I ran to the bathroom. You spoke to me as if you were my father with a tone of disappointment. You were upset that I ran off to hide from you. Finally I had enough. I built up the little courage I had and I confronted you. .
"WHY???!!!! WHY ME!?!!"
You more than anyone knew of my abusive childhood, you knew I was sexually abused as a child and how traumatic that was for me. Was I an easy target for you? Did you realize I really didn't have anyone to protect me or go run and tell?"
All you could say to me was "I'm sorry I'm not sure why I did it but I'm happy the last time I didn't ejaculate. I do know this is something I could go to jail for"
And that was it. That's all you offered me. Just that. I hated myself for letting you into my life all those years ago when I was just 16 and in high school but you were older and mature. You loved me remember? You wanted me to be your wife and have your children when I graduated and was older. When that didn't pan out you claimed no matter what, we would always be family and best friends. I fell for it. All of it. Never held you accountable for what you did never brought it up again. I gave you the free pass you needed so you could go on with your life while I suffered in mine.
I finally left the country to restart my life in any way possible and get away from you. Your promises of being "family" no matter what was NOT true. You dropped me like a bag of rocks and kicked me to the curb so fast. I became homeless and when I reached out for help you told me you were "depressed" and that I needed to leave you alone because you had so much going on in your life. I never had the courage to tell you the pain you inflicted upon my life after your abuse.
To this day I live with a fear of being assaulted and I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression and PTSD because of what you did to me.
I spent years hating myself and my body because of your constant put downs regarding my weight and appearance. These things were never an issue when you were sexually abusing me. I thought once I was out of foster care my life would be magical and I would never have to live another day in fear of being abused. You proved to me that I was wrong. The best thing I ever did was give you back your engagement ring and walk away from you. Although I became homeless and the struggle to get back on my feet became extremely difficult, I made it. I made it and despite what you did to me I am still alive, I still have hope, I still have the ability to love others and last but not least you didn't take away myself love and the ability to love the skin I'm in. You did not steal my joy.
Fast forward to the future you decide to message me to let me know you are now a father and how you're contacting me to "make amends" exactly for what!?!
Soon after your child's mother contacts me. Asking me question after question regarding who you are and how we met she also let me know you indeed still have pictures of me. Pictures I begged you for especially the one of me in the 3rd grade. Why and how you kept it and lied to me about it being accidentally thrown away I'll never know.
Just when I think I'm finally rid of you I find out you sabotaged my life when I had an opportunity to have real love and a happy life with someone who always was good to me and cared for me. To the boy who adored me and did nothing but treat me with respect. To the only one who showed up to my high school graduation. To the one who carried a love for me that was pure and filled with all the good intentions. My happiness meant everything to him.
You lied to him and ran him out of my life. For 15 years I wondered why he left my life and what exactly happened that made him leave and stop having any sort of friendship with me. I blamed myself for being "damaged goods" and not being good enough to love. No. It was you. It's always been you in the shadows lurking and doing things in the dark you thought would never come to light. You did not want me to be happy in any capacity and abused me in so many ways to make sure I wouldn't be. You succeeded for a long time, keeping me a dark place unable to fully bloom.
It has taken me a long time to accept what has happened to me while you were in my life. All the abuse you inflicted on me for whatever reason. I want to say I hope you are a changed person because you are now married with a child but deep down I know you who you really are.
I want you to know I do not forgive you and I will never forget what you did to me. I hope deep in my heart you will never mistreat /abuse anyone let alone your own child/wife this way. Whatever you do in this life know I am here, I am alive, thriving and I am doing my very best but nothing not even God can erase the pain you inflicted upon me. I have to live with what you did to me and I have never received an apology for what you have done. I know I never will and that's okay. But I will no longer remain silent and keep my turmoil inside slowly killing me and eating away at me. Blaming myself for the abuse you inflicted on me. I will heal from this and I will help other women and men who have been sexually assaulted & abused by ex partners so we can be better and love ourselves despite the abuse people like you inflict.
My life is so much better now. I have the best people who love me, respect me and treat me with the absolute best care possible. I have rebuilt my life brick by brick and you no longer have a place in my heart. I promised myself I would seek professional help and it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I do not live in shame for needing help and taking medication to help me. All the times you gaslighted me and called me crazy and put me down for not being your perfect victim. Thank you! I have used your negativity and turned it into positive fuel to rebuild my life and become the woman I am today. Someone I am proud of. You did not break me and you did not steal my ability to love and want to be love.
I pity you and the person you truly are.
I'm sure I do not need to introduce myself as you already know who I am. This is an open letter to let you know I have never forgotten nor forgiven you for sexually assaulting me.
It was a very warm California summer afternoon, I had decided to take a nap because the heat was getting to me, I had a bad headache as the heat has always affected me in negative ways. I remember falling asleep on my right side with my head toward the foot of the bed. The room was dark and the door slightly left ajar. I still remember what I was wearing. My favorite black running shorts (you know the ones that have an elastic waist and are made from a soft nylon) a cotton t-shirt that I always used as a "house shirt" and some gray ankle socks. My hair was down because I had a bad headache and was trying my best to get rid of it. I drifted off to sleep in hopes of waking up with my headache long gone and along with the sun.
What happened next I can't and won't ever forget. I woke up in a haze of confusion. I felt like I was being shaken awake in the worse way possible. I immediately began to panic. I know this feeling...I've been here before, a long time ago when I was a little girl. "I must be dreaming" I thought "Yes this is definitely a dream. IT HAS TO BE A DREAM. I'm not in foster care anymore no one can abuse me now, I'm in my 20's that abuse is long behind me!!!!"
No. No. No. It was NOT a dream. It was you. Vile, manipulative and disgusting you with your right hand down my shorts forcing your fingers all over and inside of my vagina. As I turned to my left there you were touching & pleasing yourself as you did this to me while I slept. You did not flinch or stop once you realized I was fully awake. I froze. I didn't know what to do or say. There was nothing to say because you finished yourself off before I could say anything. You immediately rolled off of me and cleaned yourself up. You said no words to me. You went to the living room, sat on the sofa and turned the t.v. on.
I wanted to vomit, scream, and beat you to a bloody pulp. What, why, where and how did you think this was okay? I do not remember giving you an once of permission to touch me in anyway. Although we were broken up we still had to live under the same roof. There was no "hook up" agreement of any kind between us. How and why you thought this was okay blew my mind. You had zero empathy for my tears. You wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I remember asking myself "Why me?"
You of all people knew my life struggles and how traumatizing it was for me to deal with being sexually abused as a child. You took my trust in you and did the same thing.
I had no one to tell, no one to talk to and no one to comfort me and worse off no where to live. I was so angry at you for being the first person in my adult life to sexually assault me. I couldn't wrap my head around it so I made excuses for you. "It was a one time thing he won't ever do it again"
"I did break off our engagement and return the ring and hurt him so maybe this was his way of trying to get back together?" all irrational thoughts. I was in my early 20's and just trying to figure out who exactly I was. The hurt, shame, betrayal and self hatred ran deep in me but I tried to push it out of my mind. I told myself "This is an isolated incident. It won't happen again. Don't sleep on the bed again. Wear tight fighting jeans from now on. Don't do anything to bring any attention to this and it will go away".
Oh but it didn't, throughout the summer you continued to sexually assault in different ways whenever you pleased. One day I had enough I was finally able to gather the strength to push you off of me and I ran to the bathroom. You spoke to me as if you were my father with a tone of disappointment. You were upset that I ran off to hide from you. Finally I had enough. I built up the little courage I had and I confronted you. .
"WHY???!!!! WHY ME!?!!"
You more than anyone knew of my abusive childhood, you knew I was sexually abused as a child and how traumatic that was for me. Was I an easy target for you? Did you realize I really didn't have anyone to protect me or go run and tell?"
All you could say to me was "I'm sorry I'm not sure why I did it but I'm happy the last time I didn't ejaculate. I do know this is something I could go to jail for"
And that was it. That's all you offered me. Just that. I hated myself for letting you into my life all those years ago when I was just 16 and in high school but you were older and mature. You loved me remember? You wanted me to be your wife and have your children when I graduated and was older. When that didn't pan out you claimed no matter what, we would always be family and best friends. I fell for it. All of it. Never held you accountable for what you did never brought it up again. I gave you the free pass you needed so you could go on with your life while I suffered in mine.
I finally left the country to restart my life in any way possible and get away from you. Your promises of being "family" no matter what was NOT true. You dropped me like a bag of rocks and kicked me to the curb so fast. I became homeless and when I reached out for help you told me you were "depressed" and that I needed to leave you alone because you had so much going on in your life. I never had the courage to tell you the pain you inflicted upon my life after your abuse.
To this day I live with a fear of being assaulted and I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression and PTSD because of what you did to me.
I spent years hating myself and my body because of your constant put downs regarding my weight and appearance. These things were never an issue when you were sexually abusing me. I thought once I was out of foster care my life would be magical and I would never have to live another day in fear of being abused. You proved to me that I was wrong. The best thing I ever did was give you back your engagement ring and walk away from you. Although I became homeless and the struggle to get back on my feet became extremely difficult, I made it. I made it and despite what you did to me I am still alive, I still have hope, I still have the ability to love others and last but not least you didn't take away myself love and the ability to love the skin I'm in. You did not steal my joy.
Fast forward to the future you decide to message me to let me know you are now a father and how you're contacting me to "make amends" exactly for what!?!
Soon after your child's mother contacts me. Asking me question after question regarding who you are and how we met she also let me know you indeed still have pictures of me. Pictures I begged you for especially the one of me in the 3rd grade. Why and how you kept it and lied to me about it being accidentally thrown away I'll never know.
Just when I think I'm finally rid of you I find out you sabotaged my life when I had an opportunity to have real love and a happy life with someone who always was good to me and cared for me. To the boy who adored me and did nothing but treat me with respect. To the only one who showed up to my high school graduation. To the one who carried a love for me that was pure and filled with all the good intentions. My happiness meant everything to him.
You lied to him and ran him out of my life. For 15 years I wondered why he left my life and what exactly happened that made him leave and stop having any sort of friendship with me. I blamed myself for being "damaged goods" and not being good enough to love. No. It was you. It's always been you in the shadows lurking and doing things in the dark you thought would never come to light. You did not want me to be happy in any capacity and abused me in so many ways to make sure I wouldn't be. You succeeded for a long time, keeping me a dark place unable to fully bloom.
It has taken me a long time to accept what has happened to me while you were in my life. All the abuse you inflicted on me for whatever reason. I want to say I hope you are a changed person because you are now married with a child but deep down I know you who you really are.
I want you to know I do not forgive you and I will never forget what you did to me. I hope deep in my heart you will never mistreat /abuse anyone let alone your own child/wife this way. Whatever you do in this life know I am here, I am alive, thriving and I am doing my very best but nothing not even God can erase the pain you inflicted upon me. I have to live with what you did to me and I have never received an apology for what you have done. I know I never will and that's okay. But I will no longer remain silent and keep my turmoil inside slowly killing me and eating away at me. Blaming myself for the abuse you inflicted on me. I will heal from this and I will help other women and men who have been sexually assaulted & abused by ex partners so we can be better and love ourselves despite the abuse people like you inflict.
My life is so much better now. I have the best people who love me, respect me and treat me with the absolute best care possible. I have rebuilt my life brick by brick and you no longer have a place in my heart. I promised myself I would seek professional help and it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I do not live in shame for needing help and taking medication to help me. All the times you gaslighted me and called me crazy and put me down for not being your perfect victim. Thank you! I have used your negativity and turned it into positive fuel to rebuild my life and become the woman I am today. Someone I am proud of. You did not break me and you did not steal my ability to love and want to be love.
I pity you and the person you truly are.
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