Letter #1

Dear O.P. ;

I'm sure I do not need to introduce myself as you already know who I am. This is an open letter to let you know I have never forgotten nor forgiven you for sexually assaulting me.

It was a very warm California summer afternoon, I had decided to take a nap because the heat was getting to me, I had a bad headache as the heat has always affected me in negative ways. I remember falling asleep on my right side with my head toward the foot of the bed. The room was dark and the door slightly left ajar. I still remember what I was wearing. My favorite black running shorts (you know the ones that have an elastic waist and are made from a soft nylon) a cotton t-shirt that I always used as a "house shirt" and some gray ankle socks. My hair was down because I had a bad headache and was trying my best to get rid of it. I drifted off to sleep in hopes of waking up with my headache long gone and along with the sun.

What happened next I can't and won't ever forget. I woke up in a haze of confusion. I felt like I was being shaken awake in the worse way possible. I immediately began to panic. I know this feeling...I've been here before, a long time ago when I was a little girl. "I must be dreaming" I thought "Yes this is definitely a dream. IT HAS TO BE A DREAM. I'm not in foster care anymore no one can abuse me now, I'm in my 20's that abuse is long behind me!!!!"

No. No. No. It was NOT a dream. It was you. Vile, manipulative and disgusting you with your right hand down my shorts forcing your fingers all over and inside of my vagina. As I turned to my left there you were touching & pleasing yourself as you did this to me while I slept. You did not flinch or stop once you realized I was fully awake. I froze. I didn't know what to do or say. There was nothing to say because you finished yourself off before I could say anything. You immediately rolled off of me and cleaned yourself up. You said no words to me. You went to the living room, sat on the sofa and  turned the t.v. on.

I wanted to vomit, scream, and beat you to a bloody pulp. What, why, where and how did you think this was okay? I do not remember giving you an once of permission to touch me in anyway. Although we were broken up we still had to live under the same roof. There was no "hook up"  agreement of any kind between us. How and why you thought this was okay blew my mind. You had zero empathy for my tears. You wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I remember asking myself "Why me?"
You of all people knew my life struggles and how traumatizing it was for me to deal with being sexually abused as a child. You took my trust in you and did the same thing.
I had no one to tell, no one to talk to and no one to comfort me and worse off no where to live. I was so angry at you for being the first person in my adult life to sexually assault me. I couldn't wrap my head around it so I made excuses for you. "It was a one time thing he won't ever do it again"
"I did break off our engagement and return the ring and hurt him so maybe this was his way of trying to get back together?" all irrational thoughts. I was in my early 20's and just trying to figure out who exactly I was. The hurt, shame, betrayal and self hatred ran deep in me but I tried to push it out of my mind. I told myself "This is an isolated incident. It won't happen again. Don't sleep on the bed again. Wear tight fighting jeans from now on. Don't do anything to bring any attention to this and it will go away".

Oh but it didn't, throughout the summer you continued to sexually assault in different ways whenever you pleased. One day I had enough I was finally able to gather the strength to push you off of me and I ran to the bathroom. You spoke to me as if you were my father with a tone of disappointment. You were upset that I ran off to hide from you. Finally I had enough. I built up the little courage I had and I confronted you. .

"WHY???!!!! WHY ME!?!!"
You more than anyone knew of my abusive childhood, you knew I was sexually abused as a child and how traumatic that was for me. Was I an easy target for you? Did you realize I really didn't have anyone to protect me or go run and tell?"
All you could say to me was "I'm sorry I'm not sure why I did it but I'm happy the last time I didn't ejaculate. I do know this is something I could go to jail for"

And that was it. That's all you offered me. Just that. I hated myself for letting you into my life all those years ago when I was just 16 and in high school but you were older and mature. You loved me remember?  You wanted me to be your wife and have your children when I graduated and was older. When that didn't pan out you claimed no matter what, we would always be family and best friends. I fell for it. All of it. Never held you accountable for what you did never brought it up again. I gave you the free pass you needed so you could go on with your life while I suffered in mine.

 I finally left the country to restart my life in any way possible and get away from you. Your promises of being  "family" no matter what was NOT true. You dropped me like a bag of rocks and kicked me to the curb so fast. I became homeless and when I reached out for help you told me you were "depressed" and that I needed to leave you alone because you had so much going on in your life. I never had the courage to tell you the pain you inflicted upon my life after your abuse.
To this day I live with a fear of being assaulted and I suffer from insomnia, anxiety, depression and PTSD because of what you did to me.
 I spent years hating myself and my body because of your constant put downs regarding my weight and appearance. These things were never an issue when you were sexually abusing me. I thought once I was out of foster care my life would be magical and I would never have to live another day in fear of being abused. You proved to me that I was wrong. The best thing I ever did was give you back your engagement ring and walk away from you. Although I became homeless and the struggle to get back on my feet became extremely difficult, I made it. I made it and despite what you did to me I am still alive, I still have hope, I still have the ability to love others and last but not least you didn't take away myself love and the ability to love the skin I'm in. You did not steal my joy.

Fast forward to the future you decide to message me to let me know you are now a father and how you're contacting me to "make amends" exactly for what!?!
Soon after your child's mother contacts me. Asking me question after question regarding who you are and how we met she also let me know you indeed still have pictures of me. Pictures I begged you for especially the one of me in the 3rd grade. Why and how you kept it and lied to me about it being accidentally thrown away I'll never know.

Just when I think I'm finally rid of you I find out you sabotaged my life when I had an opportunity to have real love and a happy life with someone who always was good to me and cared for me. To the boy who adored me and did nothing but treat me with respect. To the only one who showed up to my high school graduation. To the one who carried a love for me that was pure and filled with all the good intentions. My happiness meant everything to him.
You lied to him and ran him out of my life. For 15 years I wondered why he left my life and what exactly happened that made him leave and stop having any sort of friendship with me. I blamed myself for being "damaged goods" and not being good enough to love. No. It was you. It's always been you in the shadows lurking and doing things in the dark you thought would never come to light. You did not want me to be happy in any capacity and abused me in so many ways to make sure I wouldn't be. You succeeded for a long time, keeping me a dark place unable to fully bloom.

It has taken me a long time to accept what has happened to me while you were in my life. All the abuse you inflicted on me for whatever reason. I want to say I hope you are a changed person because you are now married with a child but deep down I know you who you really are.

I want you to know I do not forgive you and I will never forget what you did to me. I hope deep in my heart you will never mistreat /abuse anyone let alone your own child/wife this way.  Whatever you do in this life know I am here, I am alive, thriving and I am doing my very best but nothing not even God can erase the pain you inflicted upon me. I have to live with what you did to me and I have never received an apology for what you have done. I know I never will and that's okay. But I will no longer remain silent and keep my turmoil inside slowly killing me and eating away at me. Blaming myself for the abuse you inflicted on me. I will heal from this and I will help other women and men who have been sexually assaulted & abused by ex partners so we can be better and love ourselves despite the abuse people like you inflict.

My life is so much better now. I have the best people who love me, respect me and treat me with the absolute best care possible. I have rebuilt my life brick by brick and you no longer have a place in my heart. I promised myself I would seek professional help and it's the best thing I ever did for myself. I do not live in shame for needing help and taking medication to help me. All the times you gaslighted me and called me crazy and put me down for not being your perfect victim. Thank you! I have used your negativity and turned it into positive fuel to rebuild my life and become the woman I am today. Someone I am proud of.  You did not break me and you did not steal my ability to love and want to be love.

I pity you and the person you truly are.