Letter #3

Dear Francisco & Ricky,

I've always been unsure of what to say to the either of you if I ever reconnected with you both again; searate or together. I am writing a joint open letter because it's obvious you are both in each other's lives so hey maybe you can read this together.

Yes. I did see your mother's obituary Ricky. In my heart or hearts I want to say "I'm sorry for your loss" but those words seem to elude me. I am more sorry for my loss. The loss of my innocence and the loss of the only family I've ever had. If I knew then what I know now I would have tried harder to escape from the grip of the three of you. Being a whistle blower had some extreme consequences even if you are a child and a victim of abuse.

For the longest time I genuinely thought I deserved to be treated so badly by your mother Ricky. I believed somehow in some way shape or form there was something I did or didn't do for her to abuse me as much as she did. As an adult I now realize there is absolutely nothing I could have ever done for her to abuse me as much as she did. I understand she was not happy in her life especially when your father drifted and left her. As a child I should have never been her punching bag. She became a foster parent to give other children a better life not to torture them. She wanted to full fill her dream of having more children since she was only ever able to have you. Her one and only biological child. That is why I came to live with you guy. When I first met you,her and your dad I thought I had genuinely hit the jack pot. When she decided to track down my siblings to come live with us I felt even more grateful. Unfortunately that feeling didn't last long. IIt' never been explained to me why your mother was as abusive as she was. I honestly don't know or care to be honest. All I know is for years she physically, mentally and emotionally abused while I was in her care as her foster child. I do remember you, Francisco and my other brothers never being on the end of any of the abuse I did. How lucky for all of you. You and I are not blood related so I could understand why you would never openly say anything to get your own mother in any trouble for all the abuse she was putting me through. I realized that then and now. Unfortunately for me I was young, very young. I was still a child uncertain of her footing in life and still trying to be as normal and well adjusted as possible after losing my mother. I was taught the difficult lesson that telling on anyone for abusing me would result in more abuse. So I swallowed the tears and tried my best to stick it out. I had been dealt a difficult hand at life and I was doing all I could to play that hand without folding. No matter what your mom did to me I always bounced back and told myself it was the last time she would abuse me. I was wrong. Always wrong. I imagined telling someone at school. Then I realized who would believe me? Your mother was extremely manipulative and always had an answer for everything. Anytime I had a black eye, broken nose or visible welts from her beating me she knew exactly what to say so no one could question her. The day she busted ipen my cheek while beating me with my own brothers belt she knew she took it too far. Unfortunately her feeling sorry what she did only last a week and she was back at her regular routine. As the abused continued and escalated
I finally admitted my defeat and realized I was never going to get out of this situation so I tried to make the best of it. At least I had my brothers my only family to be there with me. I was naive and really did believe they loved me and if anything really bad happened they would protect me. Wrong.
Apple does not fall from the tree. You had seen your mom abuse me and get away with it so I suppose that's why you felt it was okay to do the same.
Yes. I remember. Very clearly. Every single time you sexually assaulted me. You knew no one would believe me and you had your mother's blessing to treat me like garbage so you did.
I made excuses for you at the tender age of 10 as to why you started doing this to me. We had lived as siblings, I even called your mother "Mom" something I didn't even call my own biological mother. The torment, anguish and guilt I felt every single damn time you would follow me and pin me down still haunts me to this day. You touched me without my permission in such terrible ways that I still have a hard to coping with those memories. You did this for so long I actually began to believe this is it. This is what my life will be like from now on. My foster mother beating me constantly, forcing cruel punishments on me and her son sexually abusing me. I never saw a way out. Never had the courage to speak up, to ring the alarm. Never. I lived in constant fear of what would be waiting for me everyday I came home from school.
As time went on something clicked in my head. This isn't right. I'm not supposed to be treated this way by anyone. I was never a perfect child but I knew I didn't deserve to be beaten and molested.
So one day I finally gathered strength to leave. To runaway in hopes of getting away from the both of you and being able to have my own family with my siblings. I was very wrong. First by thinking I could run away. You all saw through me that day and I was forced back to room. Your mom dragged me up a flight of stairs choking me with my own shirt. After she punched me in the face she threw me in my bedroom and told me I would be sorry for trying to leave. So I did the best thing I could think of. I opened the window of our two story house and I jumped. Then I ran for my life. I ran and ran and ran thinking I could outrun you all and began yelling and screaming for help. For the first time in my life I was begging for help. What happens? There you all are pulling up in her car dragging me on the street and taking me back to my jail cell. I don't know why or how but I finally did it! I told the truth! You were sexually abusing me and I was sick of it. Child protective services finally became involved and I was removed from the home.
The cost of exposing you took everything away from me. My entire life turned upside down after that. I was the one labeled a liar by my own siblings. Sides were taken. Everyone stood by you, no one ever questioned you. I had to prove what you did to me. I was 11 by then and I was scared. Scared of not being believed and scared of my brothers turning their backs on me all together and scared of living in this world alone. Turns out all my fears were valid. I could never bring myself to fully explain exactly what you were doing to me. So case dismissed. Literally in court the case was dismissed. And then there I was alone. Banished.  In my heart I felt I still had my biological siblings of course they would believe me and champion around their baby sister. Wrong again.
I was sent away and never heard from my brothers again. Exposing you cost me my family and for years I lived in such deep guilt and pain. I had been abandoned by everyone and had to face this life alone. Why? Because I didn't like the way I was being abused and couldn't handle it anymore. You and your mother both went to great lengths to kill my self esteem,any self worth I had and to always live in fear of who I could trust and love. I still have nightmares I am some how living you all of you again. Almost two decades later and I am still broken by you and your mother absuing me.

Now on to you Francisco, my actual blood biological eldest brother. I never thought the world of you but I always felt you would protect any of your siblings if they were being harmed. Wrong. You actually encouraged my main abuser and helped her abusing me. Never in my life would I have dreamt that if this woman told you to slap me in the face you would. Well I was wrong because you did. As the eldest I always really believed in you believed that you did love me and did care. You did but not about me. You loved and cared for the people who abused me. You loved and cared so much for the woman who hurt me on a daily basis that you were included in her obituary as her son. Nice slap in the face to me and to your REAL biological mother. You choose to stick with people you watched abuse me. Why? I will never know maybe that was the easy way out. For years I wondered and waited in foster care for you to call me, visit or even attempt to apologize and just be my brother. I genuinely thought you would miss me and had wondered what had happened to your baby sister. Wrong again. Last year when I finally tracked you down after almost two decades you shut me down. After all that had happened I was still willing to forgive you for never getting help, for sticking by my abusers and for abandoning me. I didn't reach out to you for a tearful reunion I reached out to get information any information you would have on my (our) mother. Nope you weren't having it. The blow from that hit me hard. I fell into a deep depression and all the memories of my life in hell came back. I was so wounded by your actions and by the fact that you really never gave a single damn about your own flesh and blood. It was hard but I worked through it.
One year later almost to the day of your rejection. I find out you are openly calling and treating my abuser as your flesh and blood brother. There you are at his wedding, cheering him on. There you are living a life and putting so much effort into a person that sexually abused me. To add insult to injury to my shock what do I see? Your amazing "brother Ricky" marrying a woman the same first name as me!!
How anyone of you can live with yourselves is beyond me. How you can turn your back on me only to join forces with my abusers is also beyond me. After all I went through there you are still tormenting me and making it known you do not value me or my existence in anyway. That you would rather pretend people that abused your own flesh and blood is your family. I guess you wanted an easy life and well you got it.
Good for you and for Ricky. Neither of you had to ever go through any of the abuse your "Mother" put me through.

While I lived in hell you all stood over me and watched. Every time I tried to pick myself up you were there to kick me back down. I use to think I needed you in someway now I realize I never did and never will.  As I continue process my grief and work through my pain I am becoming better and stronger. I don't care how often you go to church and how many souls you think you are saving. Nothing can erase the harm you caused me. Nothing will. I am still here. Every time either of you say Ricky's wife's name just remember you are saying my name too.
There is no need for me to work on forgiving either of you. What I am doing is forgiving myself for thinking I somehow deserved the abuse I was put through. I am learning to forgive myself for carrying this guilt that I never told anyone sooner so the abuse could stop. I am learning to help others and be the best person I can be despite my terrible childhood and most of all I am enjoying my life & the people that love, protect and defend me. People who would never ever let me down.
So cheers to the both of you. You deserve each other and I can see why you claim you are brothers because you are exactly the same.

Keep saying my name. I am not dead and I will never ever give up. You did not break me.